Most of us will have experienced the following scenario at some point in our lives. We meet someone new and there’s an instant connection. Things get more intense as we start spending more time together and before we know it we’re making plans for holidays and talking about the future. Then – out of nowhere, the other person turns around and ends it for no apparent reason going from close to cold and distant in a matter of days.
It’s all too easy in situations like this to wonder what we did wrong or if there was anything we could have said or done to have made them change their minds. We may also be completely baffled by their actions which can leave us feeling there is no closure. Usually in these cases while it may have been intense, the relationship may have only been going on 2-3 months before the break-up, yet it may hurt as much as if you had been involved for years. However, because you had not known the person for very long, some people may find it hard to understand the extent of your heartbreak.
If this all sounds heart-achingly familiar it’s important to realise that there are often two factors at play here and neither of them may have anything to do with you or anything you’ve done wrong. One of them can be psychological. The other is a soul matter. As psychologist Dr. Jennifer Harman who specialises in human relationships explains, when someone ends a short term but deep relationship suddenly, this behaviour often stems from something called ‘avoidant attachment style’. ‘People with avoidant attachment styles are more likely than people with other styles to end relationships when they start getting too intimate2and to use indirect strategies to do so, such as avoiding direct communication about the real problems that are leading to the break-up,’ Dr. Harman explains. So, as you become closer to the other person, if they have avoidant attachment issues, they will back off and then end it.
On a soul level, we all come together for growth and every relationship is a growth opportunity. Despite appearances to the contrary this person chose you in an effort to try to work through their issues. And equally important you may have also been drawn to them to work through an entirely different issue of your own such as how to identify someone who is truly open and available for a relationship. Identifying them may initially involve getting involved with someone who is just the opposite, so the relationship was an opportunity for growth for you both.
Sometimes we are lucky – after a slight ‘cooling off’ period they discover the connection was deep enough to over-ride any deep-rooted fears around relationships and you may be able to re-forge your connection on a more secure footing. Whatever happens, all our relationships allow us to better understand what we need from a partner. By understanding this we are able to attract exactly the relationship that allows us to share our love and fuel our soul journey.
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