One of the quickest ways to get knocked sideways by the blues is to take something that hurts – a disappointment, a loss, a total heartbreak – and put all of your focus on it so that it becomes the entire story of your life.
People who get down often report that only bad things happen to them. Hear me out when I tell you that is just not possible. We all go through tough times and there are some very painful life experiences – such as the death of our parents – that each and every one of us will be faced with at some point. Such things are just part of the great cycle of life – as are other things that we can experience as a huge tragedy. Even though it can feel like the end of our personal world when a relationship breaks down or we lose a job, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has never had anything like that happen to them too.
An important difference between those who are happy and those who get stuck is that those who are happy don’t let their story end at the point where something painful happens and focus on the good things that also come all of our way, no matter who we are.
Looking back at our lives, pulling out all of the bad stuff that’s happened, stringing it together and then telling ourselves the story that there has never been anything but bad stuff and there will never be anything but bad stuff to come is a sure fire way to send our vibration through the floor. This makes it so much harder to attract the things that we want, which then confirms our continuing story that good stuff just never happens to us.
So how can we break this negative cycle? It’s not about demanding that you be superhuman, and that if you ever have a sad feeling over something that has genuinely hurt you, you have somehow vibrationally failed. It’s about honouring your feelings but being able to move through them to a higher vibrational state to put you back in the flow of life, rather than sitting on the edge nursing your grazed knee.
When something happens that leaves you hurt or devastated, and you find yourself getting stuck in the idea that nothing good can every happen to you again, try this.
1/Going back as far as you can remember, write down three things that happened to you that caused you a lot of pain at the time. It might be an event, like the end of a relationship or loss of a job, or it could have been a whole experience, like being teased at school.
2/Write out everything that it made you feel at the time. Don’t censor yourself, and keep going until you have put down every last word there is to say about everything that you felt.
3/When you have fully expressed all of your feelings, draw a heading ‘What I learned from this experience’ and start writing again. This is your chance to dig out all of the good things your experiences have taught you and examine any beliefs that you might have developed as a result. For example, you might say, ‘Being teased made me more aware of the feelings of others and decided that I would never make anyone else feel the way I did.’ If you write something like that, look at it and realise that the experience caused you to generate or strengthen the belief that we are all of equal value, precious and important. Or you might write, ‘Losing the job I loved made me resolve never to put myself out there again, in case I got hurt, so I started settling for second best.’ Looking at that, you can see that you might have developed a belief that going for what you want would always lead to hurt, or that the risk of loving something wasn’t worth the pain of potentially losing it. Wherever it’s right, you can examine the beliefs you have generated. Is it true that going for what you want always leads to hurt? Is it really better to hold back from the joys of life to avoid even the risk of any pain? This is your life and you get to choose how to live it, but by doing this, you can at least become conscious of the decisions that you’ve made along the way.
4/Then write another heading – ‘If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t..’. This is where you write out all of the good things that came out of whatever happened. If you had to switch jobs, maybe you found a career path you really love, or made new friends. At the end of a relationship, maybe you finally set out to do things for you. If you run into a total and complete blank about any one good thing, then you need to write the heading, ‘Because that happened, I can now…’ and begin to fill that in with all the things you could do that you might not have been able to before – whether it’s set out solo around the world or take a college course in something you love.
5/After that, write out your final heading – ‘five good things that have happened in my life that I didn’t expect’ and start writing. They can be anything of any importance – whether it’s when you bumped into a friend unexpectedly and went for coffee and had a great chat or whether you got the chance to move to a place you always wanted to live.
The point of the last stage is to remind you that life delivers just as many good things as it does the kind that we shy away from and is designed to pull your focus away from staring intently at all of the not so good stuff that’s happened to see the bigger picture. When you look and see in black and white that life has never failed to deliver some gifts and joys along the way, whether it’s as small as a beautiful clear sky on a day you want to take a walk, you can begin to erode the belief that nothing good has ever happened to you and nothing good is every likely to. Can you really be so sure that life has nothing amazing up its sleeve for you?
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