The subject of soul mates is one that preoccupies many people. I hear people talking about wanting to meet their soul mate, or wondering whether their existing partner is their soul mate, or convincing themselves that the one who left – their ex – is their soul mate.
I feel that soul mate is probably one of the most misunderstood and mis-used terms in the spiritual dictionary! As it is such an important and sensitive subject for us all, I thought I would put down here what I feel a soul mate is – and isn’t.
First, let’s look at what I feel is the myth.
You’ll hear people talking about the word soul mate, meaning someone who comes along into their lives, bringing romance, never ending love, joy, harmony, happiness and a happy ending in tow. Let’s face it, that’s something we’d all adore to have in our lives and many of us have it but the term soul mate is not that simple and even the best relationships bring challenges in their wake. To project a fantasy onto relationships takes away the real magic. Perfection is an illusion and our soul grows through difference as well as love.
Also sometimes soul mates do arrive in the form of romantic partners, but they can equally be the dear friends that are with us for life.
It’s also likely that the person that pushes every button that you have is also a soul mate. Someone who comes in and forces us to look at our reactions and our own patterns.
Sometimes we are in an addictive, co-dependent relationship and mistake that for being in a soul mate relationship. The heaven and hell relationships where occasionally you are in a drug like bubble of love, a love you have never felt before and the next you are treating each other in a way you would never treat anyone. There are fights, splitting up and then fabulous make ups. This person feels so familiar and you feel like you can’t live without them. It may be a past life connection but it also likely that you are playing out a familiar childhood pattern of being rejected and then loved. These are the hardest to deal with as the love feels so familiar, like you have known this person all your life. When you break the pattern of this kind of relationship that is when you are most likely to find a relationship in which you can truly have intimacy.
Other times we can meet someone we term a soul mate and we don’t know them at all or not very well but we feel they are our soul mate as we can feel them so strongly or again have a sense of the familiar. This is usually a past life connection but probably won’t manifest in this life. If we cling onto it as the only love in the world, we become stuck in limbo and waste the lessons and loves of this life.
I think that we also have to be really clear and dispel another soul mate myth. Sometimes, at the end of a romantic relationship, people go through agonies because they feel strongly that the person who has gone is their soul mate and that as a result, they would be together forever and no one else will do and they will never feel that depth again.
Remembering that soul mates connect us to our soul, it may very well be that in leaving us, a person actually gives us the huge and often painful push we need to really get down to our soul’s work and connect with our power.
Elsewhere, I’ve also said that it’s really easy for us to confuse a soul mate relationship with a past life connection or even a psychic love addiction. I have seen thousand upon thousand of people keep themselves in relationships which were awful because they had used the term soul mate and consequently convinced themselves this was the only love they will ever find. In fact I am sure most of us have done that at one time or another!
That’s probably the thing that most concerns me, because getting those confused is a sure-fire way to pile up the agony if the relationship doesn’t go the way we hope it will.
Finally, you’ll also hear people talking about what I feel is another myth, which is that each of us only has one soul mate. I firmly believe that we have more than one.
In fact, I happen to believe that we are all connected at a soul level. That gives us two ways to approach the whole thing, one where we can spend precious time and energy trying to shove people in and out of categories of Soul Mate, or we can really stretch our understanding of the term and embrace the idea that every single person on this planet is our soul mate; a unique shard of the divine whole and that love is everywhere once we deal with our stuff. Love and relationships are our greatest teacher and from that point of view any lover that stretches our soul and makes us grow and heal, even the hard way, is our soul mate – but don’t let love become a prison!
Not using the word soul mate does not mean you won’t have a relationship with someone just right for you and full of magic, passion and mystery – it just means you won’t tie yourself into a myth but live the reality of a healthy love and passionate connection,
Loads of love,
There is a great article here which explains the difference between healthy and toxic love http://www.joy2meu.com/codependent2.htm
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